(This article is just in jest. If you are a cynic, do not read further)

These days it is fashionable to become a ‘Defence Analyst’, and if you cannot be one, then at least you can become a ‘Defence Expert’.  In foreign armies ‘defence analysts’ are appointed; and they work with the government or the military to examine, evaluate, and review information, and write reports with recommendations.

No such thing here. Some exposure in the IDSA can make you an ‘analyst’. Be that as it may; anyone can become an ‘expert’. All that is required is that he should have retired. And should you have served in the Valley, even as an Adm Comdt, your credentials take a big leap.
You are the authority on all issues in the Valley irrespective of your level of expertise.

When the trend began, a lot of officers became experts without any expertise. And in keeping with the established principles of seniority, the level of intelligence got related to the rank, thehigher the rank the higher was considered to be your level of expertise. Dramatically some ‘Colonels’ inserted themselves with a patent on ‘command experience’ and so the net result today is that you have Colonels and Generals on TV, with only ‘Brigadier’ Mahalingam as the link between the two.

When the trend of these specialists caught up, a lot of people wanted to join the bandwagon; but soon the positions were saturated as TV channels could only accommodate X number of people. So those who did not make it as ‘experts’ harboured a grudge against those who did.

Since I had done a study on the issue, some approached me for consultations. I gave them my view on what is the best way to get into this field. If they wanted to enter this field they would need to follow some guidelines. These would need to be practiced before the mirror if they were to make an impression on TV. I advised them on a three point formula:-
– ⚔First, practice putting up a glum and serious face. After all war and insurgency is serious business.
-⚔Second, grow a handlebar moustache, and if not possible, at least a sizable one, which endorses your dominance over the clean shaven civilians.
-⚔Third and last and the most important,  unless you have some catch phrases in your vocabulary, you stand no chances of making it for more than one time on TV, unless you know someone on the Channel. You can represent, but can never be an ‘expert’. It is time to forget the weapon that you carried in service. Your new weapon is the ‘catch phraseology’, the flavour of the day. Be clear on what you have to say. You should speak of ‘an intended legitimate military target’ with ‘minimal collateral damage’, as against ‘carpet bombing’ which damages the ‘local psyche’. Operations must create ‘shock and awe’ and yet not ‘rattle’. Army is a ‘broad sword’ and not a ‘scalpel’, but yet the Indian Army used the ‘scalpel’ to carry out strikes with ‘surgical precision’.

This much would be enough to establish your position on TV, but should you wish to hold on to it, you need to do more. You cannot say that ‘the enemy was caught napping’, it has to be ‘enemy was caught in a stupor’. And no proof can be given of our ‘surgical strikes’ as ‘National interest’ and ‘National security’ are ‘non negotiable’. After all the matter has been discussed it the ‘Cabinet Committee on Security’ and decided that ‘graphic accounts’ of ‘routine operations’ are never given out.

And all this will be of no use if you are not seized with how cross border terrorist camps and ‘launch pads’ are organized and the ability to counter ‘unprovoked and naked aggression’ and the ‘existential phenomenon’ of ‘cross border fire’.

Since arguing on Pakistan is a fashion these days, you have to be armed with some specific phrases.. Forget about ‘guerrilla warfare’, ‘insurgency’ and ‘terrorism’, the catchphrase is ‘asymmetric warfare’, a war ‘between belligerents whose relative military power differs significantly’ to ‘offset deficiencies in quality and quantity’.

Please remember that “Osama Bin Laden’ is no more in fashion and unless you mention ‘Masood Azhar’, ‘Hafeez Sayyed’, and ‘Sayeed Salauddin’ , you are shooting in the dark. And if you can throw in ‘Burhan Wani’, you will be considered topical

And if you want to be called repeatedly, you have to obliquely throw in the ‘ Haqqani Network’, since it is popular with US as it irks them. And to be super savvy, throw in names of some ‘non state actors’ like  ‘Jalaluddin and Sarajuddin Haqqani’, and their relationship with each other.

A young officer, who had done ten years in the Army before being released, asked me if he could become a defence expert. I told him that by all means he could. So I gave him the catch phrases and told him to go ahead and make his mark. Incidentally he already had a handlebar moustache.

Armed with this knowledge he approached a Channel, confident that with the all the phraseology under his belt there was no stopping him. The first question they asked him was his rank, and when he said Major, they told him it is a no go. He shot back that Sir Basil Liddell Hart was just a Captain and he taught Generals. But they were not impressed. They asked him if he was from the Infantry, and when he said no, he had already lost the race. He gave them examples that Napoleon was a gunner and Mc Arthur was an Engineer and so on. But of no avail.

So frustrated he came back and told me that he had not made it as he was not from the elite Infantry, so I consoled him that he need not worry as there were other options. So I told him that he should become a ‘defence observer.’ And what does a defence observer do, he asked. Nothing, he just observes and enjoys the tons of wisdom doled out on TV, something we missed in service.

So a word of advice to those who could not make it, just become defence observers and you will enjoy the unending sermons and will also be able to assess that some who could not find their feet in service, have now established themselves as ‘experts’.